Thursday, August 20, 2020


Siblings. It's a word that speaks for itself for anyone who has them. However, all of my siblings are half and were out of the house by the time I entered this world. So I won't sit here and say I know all of the ups and downs of sibling-ry. Did mine tell on me? Yup. Did they fight? Yup, still do. Did they call me the baby? Yup. Were they there for me? Bare minimum when I was a child and only on the surface now, especially since it's the christian thing to do. Back then you could almost call it a recruitment for who's side was who's later on down the line. Each one has their own life separately and content to live it out so. Unfortunately, any encounter with any one of my siblings in the present is either short lived or regretted. Was it always that way? No, but things change.

Monday, August 17, 2020

"Daddy's Girl"

For whatever reason children either favor one parent or a parent favors a child. In these terms I have always been a daddy's girl. If ever I'm spoiled it's usually because of him. Where dad went, I wanted to go. If it was interesting and dad was doing it, I wanted to too usually. A lot of myself is like my dad and I'll say that with both pride and shame. I mistakenly saw him as different from the rest of his side of the family or maybe it was wishful thinking mixed with blindness. There was always a disconnect. We seemed to be complete opposites on most surface things. And thats how, what I call, the Gap began. And once that Gap started it only ever seemed to grow. 

Friday, August 14, 2020


 Under the age of 10 I was sick...a lot. My immune system was a joke to say the least; as well as my ability to have and maintain my own body heat. And two of the main problems I had were stomach bugs and ear infections. I shudder to think of all the times I had to either lay weird because of my ears or lay weird because of my stomach. Couldn't possibly be sick for only a few days, no, it was weeks at a time. One ear would get infected and then it would move to the other ear or simply spread hurting both ears at the same time. As an adult I still receive surprised comments about how scarred up both of my ear drums are. Then there were the stomach bug. My parents either didn't want to deal with the hassle of taking me to the doctor or thought it a waste of time, money, etc. Thus, I remember laying wherever I felt comfortable and begging myself not to throw up as if I could stop it through sheer force of mind. No amount of sprite, crackers, bread, or alka-seltzer eased my churning stomach nor did how cold the house was usually kept. Eventually and thankfully I grew out of these issues but I will never forget how many times I prayed for God to simply go ahead and take me at such a young age.

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

First Day of School

 Some remember their first day of school while others happily don't. I was afraid and angry. And I could feel an awful feeling deep within me that simply would not go away. I remember as my mom brought me through the front doors of the elementary school the feeling increased, I began to panic internally and cry. The lady from the office and my mom tried to persuade me to go into the classroom but the sight of all the other kids and the very thought of going in alone made it worse. About the time my mind had almost had too much the school councilor, Mrs. W, approached and offered to take me so they could get back to work. It was a relief of monumental proportions but I was still afraid. She took me into her office and showed me the sand box full of different sand toys and told me that I could stay as long as I liked. Mrs. W was kind and made me feel an ease that I rarely experienced from people. I relaxed and looked around at the walls covered in positive words, happy colors, and soothing pictures. I remember she had some soft classical music playing as well. Taking all of this in I turned to the sandbox and played until she felt I was ready to go to class. I was late and attracted even more attention from the other kids but by that point it didn't matter. God was with me that day, in ways I never even imagined or realized at the time. And from that moment on I was completely devoted to Mrs. W and soaked up anything and everything she taught me, so many lessons in so few years but every one of them I still use to this day.

Saturday, August 8, 2020

Good Memories

Some of my most favorite memories are of my grandfather. Before I learned what I call the "language of the grouchy" I was afraid of him and all his gruff. Eventually I got over that and he became my very best friend and mentor. We would sit outside in the yard swings and talk or simply listen to the wind and watch the birds. My grandfather, I would later realize, was the one whom I learned to listen to the wind and talk to living things as living things. He was an example to me that no matter how down and out you are or feel to never take any bs from anyone. I remember he would turn the tv to old westerns or National Geographic or sometimes the History Channel and we'd watch together while having a bowl of ice cream. That man was the biggest part of my life growing up. He encouraged a love for God, taught me how to paint, and seeded a curiosity for our heritage. When most men around me believed that women were stupid, my grandfather had me helping him in his shop with various projects. One of the things I look forward to, other than finally getting to hug Jesus, is to see my grandfather walking around on his own two feet again asking if I'd like to get us both some ice cream. 

Tuesday, August 4, 2020

First Friends

The first friend I remember making was a girl I met in daycare, however for a reason I either cannot remember or did not understand at the time we instantly grew apart. One day it was playing in daycare, the next it was looking at each other like we didn't know who the heck we were. It was what it was. My next friend reminded me a lot of one of my half-sisters and we ended on not the best of terms, grew apart too quick I think. After that I had two real good friends but MAN did the fighting and drama break out a lot. So when one moved and I moved we all fell out of contact. From that point on I stayed pretty much a loner, from middle school up. People could sit right down and talk to me but I never really associated with one person or type of crowd. I had older, younger, and same age friendships. It could be lonely I suppose and no I didn't feel like I fit in anywhere but looking back I wouldn't have done different in that area of my life. I've always been the odd of the odd and by now that's how I like it. Others do not feel that way. If you're one of those people and you feel left out: Be You and the right people will either find you or you'll find them but don't waste your time hanging on to the ones that don't love you. Don't waste anymore time on the ones that only love you when they want to or need you but give nothing back. If you can't be a loner don't let them make you a loner! Feel me?